The Injustice of Pregnancy

Ok, so I couldn't do it anymore and had to ask my mom to borrow money for some new jeans. She was really cool about it, and we went shopping. And I just got to thinking, how freaking unfair is this? Yes, I will have the option to take him to court and get child support from him once the baby is born, but what about now?

I passed Evan on the street today. He was in his car with his ex. (I was told btw, that he's just using her to cover things with his parents) All I could think of was, God, I hope he's happy with his life, driving his nice new car, living for free off his parents, and probably just making enough money to take that skank out every day. Meanwhile, I have to pay rent, food, I can't get a car because I don't have enough money to pay the payments and insurance, I have to think about college but he's already graduated, and I have to buy a few clothes because I keep gaining weight. He pays to put gas in his car and then whatever else he wants to do while he looks for a job with his stupid degree (theater...like anything is going to happen with that) and I'm basically living with nothing. I finally sucked it up and applied for WIC so I could make sure I was eating healthy.

It really ticks me off that the man just produces the sperm, and I know we joke about how a man should have to go through pregnancy, but seriously, there is nothing to force them to take responsibility for their actions from the moment they find out. Whoever the poor mother of a child is with this kind of father has to wait for nine months to get any help from him and then it has to be forced.

So that's my bitching for the day. AHHHHHHH!!!!!

A Prayer

I belong to an internet group for us pregnant girls. It sounds like an interesting concept, lots of pregnant women in one place to disagree on things, share stories, and give advice. It gives us a chance to see pregnancy from all the different perspectives and teach us that we are not alone in the things we're going through.

Well, at the beginning, when we all joined the board (for moms due in December) we were paired up with someone like us. Someone who is going through something similar to our own situations, and we were supposed to keep in touch with that person throughout this entire experience. My partners name was Kate.

On June 26, she lost her son. She was sixteen weeks pregnant. It is every mother's greatest fear, and though it wasn't her fault, and there was nothing she could have done, she is heartbroken. And so, I dedicate this post to her little boy who is there with God now, and I pray that she heals from this. She has become a good friend very quickly, and she was there for me with lots of support and advice in my hard times. God gives us a baby when we need one most. She needed that baby to learn something about herself, and now, his time on this earth is over. She will see him again. I know she will. May God bless my friend and her family.

-PGee

Low

So, Evan had disappeared off the radar for a while, and I had pretty much given up on him. Well, he sent me an email about my doctor's appointment today, asking if he could go. I told him yes, and he already knew the time and stuff. So, I'm sitting in the waiting room, and he never shows. After being forty-five minutes late, I decided to call him at work...He didn't show up for work today! It's one thing to be stood up , but at the doctor by the father of your baby for an OB appointment! Unless he's dead or in a coma, he could have let me know he wasn't going to go. I will get to the bottom of this, if it takes everything I have. I will not let some jackass play games with me.

-MAD PG

My Dog Catches Flies, Kills them, then Waits Until I Come to See

It never ceases to amaze me, the little things an animal can do. My dog from time to time likes to pretend that he is a badass and do something animalistic, even though he is roughly the size of a large rabbit, and I'm pretty sure the only thing he would ever kill is a fly.

For the past hour, he has been sitting on the floor of the living room, stalking flies. He will go after one, kill it, then sit by it until I come to see that it's dead. Then he will walk away from it and move on to the next one. I just thought I would comment on this because it just amazes me how smart my dog really is. I can't wait to watch my baby develop and discover things like that.

One of These Days You're Gonna Love Me

And so it ends for now. Of course, I was reminded that if "Pamela and Tommy can get back together a hundred or so plastic surgeries and several trips to rehab later, anything is possible." But my hopes aren't up. Right now, I am focused on what is important: my baby. I will not play games with Evan any longer. I will not let Mandy or Evan's parents control my life any more. This chapter in my life has closed finally. It was a long overdue ending.

Fruit, Depression, and the Kicking Baby

Today, Evan and I got in what can only be described as a terrible fight, even though we never actually spoke. He called me a few days ago to tell me in a very strange attitude that he had something really good to tell me but he didn't have the words, so he would email it later. The email finally came and it just said "I want to go to the doctor's appointment with you. I want to make sure you're healthy and the baby is healthy. I want to be in the baby's life, no matter what." I was shocked, but I had a very uneasy feeling for some reason. It was exactly what I wanted, so why was I scared?

Then, it hit me. I had a horrible feeling in my heart, and I was afraid that his crazy ex had come back into the picture. Now, Evan and I are not together, by any means, and if he wanted to be with someone else, then he can do whatever he wants, but this girl, let's call her Mandy, is PSYCHO. She stalks me on myspace, she has actually had friends call Evan to see if he was with me, and when he didn't answer her third call, she would start to send him insane angry text messages. Then, she moved on to harassing me through texts and emails. It got horribly out of hand, and Evan keeps her life away from me, but he has said she is a psycho spoiled bitch. So, why did I feel like she was back? I decided to settle this fear, I would ask him. I called him. No answer. Ok, he's at home and busy. I emailed him. The only reply I got was "When is the doctor's appointment?" But no answer to my question. I asked again. Still, I got the same email reply. This time I sent him a text message asking what was going on, and again, I got an email with the exact same thing. Something weird was happening, and I lost it. I started texting, and calling like crazy wanting to know who he thought he was treating me like crap. Then, three unanswered calls later, my fourth call was met with the message you get when someone blocks your number.

I got an email saying he would not play games and he wanted to know about the doctor's appointment.

So, I spent the day crying. Meanwhile, the baby went nuts. I felt the first movements today during all the chaos. It was almost like he was screaming "Stop fighting!" It only made me cry more. During all this depression, when I would usually be eating chocolate and ice cream, all I wanted was strawberries and sour grapes for some reason. When we ran out of grapes, I tore the kitchen apart, trying a plumb, and orange, and some yogurt. None of them hit the craving, and now I just want strawberries and to stop crying.

Boys just Make it Harder

Well, Evan has decided to be completely involved all of a sudden. He just made my life, believe it or not, harder. Now, all I can do is plan all this stuff around him. He thinks it's going to be the best thing, but it just makes things more complicated than they already were in my head. I hope this works out for the best.